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  • Writer's pictureBen Green

The Chemo Chronicle - Updated 05/03/2020

Updated: Mar 6, 2020

So I thought I'd do a daily diary of what it's like being on #chemo so that others who are about to embark on the chemo adventure kinda know what to expect. Although it's important to remember that everyone's journey is different and of course not everyone will be on the same type of #chemotherapy as me. But generally speaking most people diagnosed with oesophageal cancer will be on #FLOT or something similar.


My chemo regime is two days of chemo every two weeks and I get this four times, so for a period of eight weeks. As I'm writing this initial part I am on day two so things are still pretty new.


Here goes...


DAY 1 (Jan 9th) - Chemo starts today. A day that I've been longing for since I was diagnosed. It feels weird wanting to have chemo but I knew that it was the thing (or one of the things) that was going to save my life. Having a diagnosis of something like #cancer and not having any treatment for almost two months is such a strange thing to get your head around. I'm a nurse, after a diagnosis of something I want to see my patients' treatment starting as soon as possible. So it was very hard to get my head around.


My initial appointment was supposed to be at 10:00 but they rang the night before to delay it to 13:00, so it was a bit of a late start. The later start had it's pros and cons, I guess. The downside was that I now had to wait about all morning to set off and I was a little restless. The upside was that I was able to spend a bit more time preparing... and I got a lie in!! Before I set off I packed my 'chemo bag' with everything I thought I would need to keep me entertained over the next eight hours, which was like a long-haul flight but without the security rub-down, duty-free aftershave spritz or the sunny destination at the end! It's definitely worth having a think about what you want to take with you in your 'hand luggage', don't turn up empty handed! My bag contained:


- A book

- A tablet with downloaded movies and series for binge watching

- Nintendo Switch

- Laptop

- A pack of cards

- Bananagram game

- Headphones

- Audiobooks and podcasts pre-downloaded onto my phone

- A toiletries bag full of things to keep me as comfy as possible (hand cleanser, hand moisturiser, face wipes, face moisturiser, facial spritz, body wipes). Yes, you're right this all sounds a bit OTT but you never know and I like to be prepared!!


When I arrived I waited about a bit in the waiting area and then had my bloods taken. I then had a wait of around one and a half to two hours for the blood results to come back before they started any chemo treatment. I went to Costa and visited the new #MaggiesCentre next to the hospital. Maggie’s offer free practical, emotional and social support to people with cancer and their families and friends. When I went back to the hospital the blood results were back and I was ready to go. The room was like a hospital bay, I guess. There were four other people, all with their names written above them on their own little white board and the chemo that the were on. Nobody was on the same chemo. My chemo got put up on a drip stand and I was away. The rest is pretty uneventful to be honest! They changed the bags around a few times and did a couple of line flushes in-between. But I didn't feel any different throughout the treatment at all... no need for so many lotions and potions!!


After my chemo had gone through, which took about five hours, they hooked me up with the chemo pump that I was able to take home with me. The chemo pump then delivers my next lot of chemo over the next 24 hours at home.


DAY 2 (Jan 10th) - I had heard about the difficulties of sleeping whilst attached via your #PICC line to a chemo pump (which is about the size of a large baby's bottle). But as I'm a still sleeper I just shoved it under my pillow and didn't wake until the next day. When I woke I expected to feel awful but actually I didn't feel any different from any other day. I had a sore throat but I think that was possibly down to a night of snoring, haha. Who knows, the dog didn't roll me over to tell me otherwise!


Washing was going to prove a bit difficult as I shower every morning and you can't get the pump wet. So I decided that for one day I would just use some baby wipes. For the rest of the day I felt fine. No sickness, no nausea, no tiredness. All in all another pretty uneventful day. This evening the district nurse will visit to remove the pump and clean up my PICC site and change the dressing.


DAY 3 (Jan 11th) - I woke this morning feeling a little groggy but put it down to a late night last night. I got up, had breakfast, got showered and took the dog for a walk with my mum. Just this small amount of activity seemed to alleviate the cloudy brain. However, as the day progressed the tiredness slowly kicked in again. Everything seemed to take a lot longer than usual but I'm just going with it. I have no deadlines and there's no stress to get things done quickly. By late afternoon the tiredness had kicked in properly so I'm guessing it is the chemo and not the late night... so much for wishful thinking!! I decided to to have a wee nanna-nap and slept for an hour or so but when I woke I felt a little nauseous. It's difficult to tell whether this was due to the chemo or because all i'd 'eaten' was sweet build up drinks.


In the evening I had a small bowl (10-12 mouthfuls) of corned beef hash... a nice bit of comfort food always helps. It took a while to eat but it went down... and stayed down. These little moments of 'normal' eating mean everything. Never will I ever take eating for granted again!! The food definitely helped the nausea.


This evening was a mate's surprise 40th bday bash... despite being determined to get my ass there the tiredness got the better of me. It's really peed me off but I need to listen to my body.


After being successful with the corned beef hash I decided to test my luck. I was hungry and wanted something more than a 'Smooth Caramel' flavoured build up drink. I'm so over these drinks!! So I cooked some fish fingers... five of them... so maybe you could call it a fish fist! I drowned them in vinegar, not just because I love the stuff but because I wanted to make the batter as soft as possible. They went down... slowly, but they went down. Never has a fish fist tasted so good. Being able to eat again got me quite emotional. Who knew that something as simple as a fish finger could give someone so much hope for the future.


DAY 4 (Jan 12th) - Last night I took a whole sleeping tablet. I normally have half so that I don't wake but after my fish finger triumph I thought 'What the hell, let's go crazy'. I woke late, dry as a bone with a headache. It was like I'd drunk a bottle of gin and a barrel of sea water. I'd woken with a cold and I felt rubbish. I stayed in bed until about midday and eventually forced myself out of bed. I took my tablets (ondansetron - anti-sickness, lanzoprazole - for the stomach acid and some paracetamol for my cold and headache) and jumped in the shower. Mid-shower the district nurse turned up to change my #PICCline dressing... typical. Once that was sorted, despite feeling rough as badger's backside I took the dog out for a two mile walk with my mum - I'd been told to exercise through the chemo by a friend... I'm following all advice given at the moment. If you tell me that gambling my house on a game roulette would help cure my cancer then you'll see me pulling up to a casino 15 minutes later!! The walk helped and I actually felt better, I was so pleased I pushed myself a little.


It's my step-dad's 70th tomorrow and my brother and sister-in-law came round with my niece and nephew. Always love seeing them, they're all such good company. I managed to stick it out until almost the end where I went upstairs for a lie down.


Still no nausea. I'm so pleased, I hate feeling sick!!


I decided to weigh myself today. Since the first time I experienced symptoms I've lost 2.5st, despite living on build up drinks. I mean don't get me wrong... everyone loves a little weight loss but I'm supposed to be putting weight on not losing it.


If there is one thing I can take away from today it's 'push yourself'. Not too hard but try to battle through the feelings of crap. This isn't a sprint, it's a marathon and you're going to need all the energy you've got so be kind to yourself and listen to your body.


DAY 5 (Jan 13th) - My step-dads 70th!! So all in all today has been a really good day, I feel refreshed. I woke early at about 07:30 to let the dog out and jumped back into bed to wake up properly. As I'm managing food better now I had porridge oats in my build up drink for breakfast alongside a nice cuppa :-) For lunch I finally managed a slice of toast with loads of butter and Marmite.... yup, I'm a Marmite lover!!


I took the dog for another 2 mile walk to add to my #prehabilitation and then had a 90 min nap in the afternoon.


For dinner I had... wait for it... a slice of cheese, tiny bit of potato salad, small slice of quiche and some of those mini stuffed sweet peppers things... oh and a slice of birthday cake. And I sat at the dining room table to eat it.... which sounds weird when I write it down but I haven't sat down and eaten from a plate in what feels like ages. I was telling my friends this earlier and got quite emotional but for a Yorkshire lad who loves his food and his family sitting down at a table and eating with them is a big thing... I'd lost that for a while.


DAY 6 (Jan 14th) - Another good day today. Again, got up and let the dog out and then jumped back in bed... bloody awful weather out there today!! For my brunch I made some wholemeal pancakes with maple syrup and double cream, see recipe: https://bjegreen.wixsite.com/cancerandthequiff/post/fluffy-american-style-pancakes For dinner I had two burgers on a slice of toast... yes I know, this is weird as heck but bare with me... buttered toast is easier to swallow than bread, so just go with what works.


DAY 7 (Jan 15th) - After having a few days of feeling a lot better after the chemo today has been up and down... and it was my own fault. I woke early and went into York to get my hair cut and had planned to take a couple of build up drinks with me for my breakfast but totally forgot them. By the time the quiff had been quiffed it was about 11:30 and by this time I was feeling like I'd been hit by a bus and was running on empty. I went to Costa, grabbed a water and a granola bar, sat down for a bit and that was enough to sort me out.


Today's lesson: Never miss a meal. Your body needs energy to deal with the chemo and it's own reserves aren't enough.


By early afternoon I was back on form and met someone for lunch. I've mentioned in previous posts that I have found eating out and indeed eating meals with other people quite anxiety provoking recently. With the whole difficulty swallowing you obviously have to eat slowly and having a full plate whilst others are finishing up just highlights that something is wrong. Plus there's the whole 'am I going to have to rush to the toilet to be sick, or not?' thing as well. So all in all not very pleasant and I've avoided it for some time. So what does one do when you make lunch plans?? Well people, you turn to our European brothers and sisters and order tapas!! It's absolutely the way forward!! Tiny dishes of food that everyone slowly grazes on whilst chatting. Nobody knows how much you have or haven't eaten because everyone just dibs into each dish and shares. It's the perfect solution!! So that was my Wednesday. Oh and I went to the cinema with my brother and mum in the evening. My brother even bought my pick 'n' mix for me.... so today turned out pretty okay!!


DAY 8 (Jan 16th) - So yesterday came with it's own lesson and so did today: After chemo never trust a f*rt! Yep, today came with new chemo side effects... an upset stomach. I had been warned about this but thought I'd escaped it. I put it down to chemo and full day of normal food. Damn you solid food!! To be fair (and not to go into too much detail) it happened once and that was it. But the stomach cramps that followed hit me hard, so much so that the only comfortable position was bent over... so I just took myself to bed, curled up and slept it off.


DAY 9 (Jan 17th) - Today was mainly a good day. It was busy so I was knackered by the end of it. Some friends came over and we chatted for most of the morning and afternoon. We went to a local coffee and champagne bar and had lunch (but weirdly had no coffee or champagne!!). I followed by own advice and went for some light bites rather than a meal and they went down a treat!! My swallowing has vastly improved and although my throat still feels a little tight I don't struggle with most foods now. Which is incredible as I wasn't expecting my eating to change so quickly. And this is going to sound so strange but I'm loving that I can burp again!! Haha. You have no idea (well some of you will, of course) what it's like to want and need to burp and all that comes up is crackly, frothy spit that you then end up automatically swallowing due to your own reflexes kicking in. So you end up just needing to burp again because all the air has just gone back down again. So frustrating. I'm not going to lie, since I've been able to burp properly again I have purposely let out some really loud, celebratory burps recently in a proud 'up yours cancer' way. Followed by a childish smirk, haha. It's the little things!


In the evening I had an upset stomach again and the stomach cramps that followed were painful. I took two 2mg loperamide casuals and the pain went after 30 minutes or so. I don't know why I didn't just do this the first time!!


Today's lesson: Don't try and be a hero. Just take the meds!!


DAY 10 (Jan 18th) - So today I had absolutely no side effects from the chemo all day and I would go as far to say that I can eat anything now with zero struggling. I'm so shocked at this but I hope if gives people hope as meal times and eating got me really anxious and low in mood.


I had a visit from a good friend, who I haven't seen in ages... one of those friends who you don't see often but you just pick up where you left off. So that was a real treat. And then in the evening some more mates came round and we had a few glasses of fizz and wine. It was a real mood lifting day!! I love my friends so much. I'm a very lucky guy!


DAY 11 (Jan 19th) - I don't have much to report, captain. No side effects from the chemo and nothing much happened. I had a brownie that my friend from yesterday left me. It was big and it was delicious!


DAY 13 (Jan 21st) - We've missed a day... but there was nothing to say. It was a very non-cancery day! However, today I had an appointment at Bexley Wing to get my bloods tested and have a catch up with my chemo doc before the next set of treatment on Thursday. It was all pretty straight forward with the bloods, as I have a permanent PICC line in they just took the bloods from that instead of having to put a separate cannula in. The doc just wanted to know if I'd felt any difference with my eating and if I'd had any side-effects from the last set of chemo. She was happy with what I'd reported and therefore prescribed my next lot of chemo. Job done!!


DAY 15 (Jan 23rd) - Two days after my blood test and I'm in for my chemo.... so bloods must have been okay! It was pretty straight forward and quick today. The nurses were lovely as always and there wasn't much hanging around before the chemo started. The chemo I have consists of a few different bags of meds and glucose so all in all it takes about five and half hours. I had a couple of visits from mates who work in the hospital so that helped loads... I love see their faces!


Once it was done I got hooked up to my pump for 24 hours and get sent on my way home. I thought I'd attach a pic of the pump as it's nothing that I thought it would look like. Like a babies bottle!!



Last time I had my chemo my side effects didn't kick in until day three but this time I definitely felt different on my way home from the hospital - I had pins and needles in my finger tips and then my lips felt a little different... almost like they were pouting... and I wasn't even trying!! This lasted about 30 minutes until the car warmed up but kicked in again when I was cooler or out in the cold. When walking the dog I could feel the pins and needles in my hands and legs and I could also feel that my fingers seems a bit slower, almost like a painless cramp where my muscles were tightened and I had to put effort into straightening them. It makes typing and texting difficult but you know... 1st world problems, I guess!


And then another side effect has reared it ugly (and balding) head...



That's right people... the hair is slowly coming out. The quiff is de-quiffing and I am about to serve big fat shiny head realness. Please ignore the single grey hair making an appearance! Still not sure how I feel about losing my hair yet, I've had my quiff for as long as I can remember... probably 20 years. Oh well... nowt you can do!!


An ode to my hair

You've served me well oh quiffing crown, I've worn you well for years

But now it's time for you to go, I promise there won't be tears

For chemo has replaced you in the short-term time to pass

But this I can't complain of coz it's kicking cancer's ass

And we shall be reunited like a short-term lover's tiff

Where I will proudly wear you - short back and front the quiff


DAY 16 (Jan 24th) - Second day of the second load of chemo. Side effects continued as per yesterday. I met up with some work colleagues for our belated Christmas do, it was great to see everyone!! Cold drinks were difficult to swallow as it felt like I had something stuck in my mouth... difficult to explain but thought it was worth telling people about... room temp and warm drinks are definitely easier to handle.


DAY 17 (Jan 25th) - Managed to go watch the rugby in York. Definitely had the tingles despite wrapping up... hat, gloves, the lot.


I went to see my bezzie mate, Bex, in the evening. It had been ages since I had seen her but her kids have been unwell with colds and chicken pox so I haven't managed to get go see them.


DAY 18 (Jan 26th) - Went for brunch with Bex... avocado and smoked salmon on rye. So nice!! Never a day goes by where I don't feel thankful to be able to eat again!!


The rest of the day I spent doing bugger all!! I was knackered!


DAY 19 (Jan 27th) - The morning hit me with a bang. 4 o'clock in the morning and I felt like I'd been trodden on. Full of cold (after only just getting rid of my last one) and conjunctivitis in one eye. One of the drawbacks of chemo I'm afraid... a crap immune system. I spent most of the morning in bed (this is a lie... I spent ALL the morning in bed!!). I took my temp mid-morning and it was 37.4. I'd been told that if I hit 38 I had to ring the hospital and get myself over within the hour. I took 1g of paracetamol and got back into bed. Half an hour later I was at 37.7 and feeling shocking. I laid on top of my bed and shivered until I cooled down. An hour later and I was back down to 37.4 again. All this meant that I had to cancel seeing a friend as just felt too crappy.


At 12:15 I decided I should get up and grab some breakfast. I then jumped in the shower to freshen up. What was left in the bath can only be described as a carpet of hair. It looked like someone had shaved one of the hairy bikers, maybe even both of them!! After the shower I checked my head for bald patches. It's definitely thinning but no baldness yes. The quiff lives to see another day!!



Day 20 - 22 (Jan 28th - Jan 30th) - The next few days I spent battling chemo side effects with a cough and a cold. The side effects come and go and consist of tiredness (but with sleepless nights), tingly pain in my extremities when cold and an upset stomach with related stomach cramps. They all come in waves and there are times you can feel totally fine but then an hour later you're wrapping up to get warmer to beat the tingles or running to the toilet so you don't have to change your undies!! I'm not gonna lie... there've been a few close calls, haha!! This last week I have made best friends with my cap and loperamide (the hat is to keep my head warm... just in case you were wondering if it was something to do with the upset stomach haha!)


Through my chemo journey I've been able to make some really great connections with people. Some are through tweets, some are through regular DMs on twitter, I've swapped phone numbers with people and we chat regularly and some people I've met with for coffee and cake (or a pint in one case!).


One of the more special connections I've made is with someone who hasn't actually been diagnosed with cancer... but her husband has. We chat on a regular basis, talk about the usual cancer shizzle, exchange funny stories and let each other know what we're doing through the week. She's a lovely, lovely person, so easy to talk to and I really look forward to our chats. I don't know her husband, he's the 'strong silent type' apparently, but I follow his cancer journey through his wife. He's now finished his pre-op chemo sessions and this week he found out whether the chemo had worked and therefore would be eligible for surgery as per his original treatment plan. He got the go-ahead!! His chemo did it's job and he will be going to get his cancer cut out soon.


Despite never meeting this man or even chatting with him there is definitely an emotional connection there, not just through his wife but because essentially this man is me. Yes, we live in different counties, we live different lifestyles, he has a wife and kids, we're different ages, we have different jobs, different friends and we don't even know each other... yet there is one thing that makes us identical: we have the same cancer. We have the same cancer, we're on the same chemo, have the same side effects, the same treatment plan, and ultimately we just want the same thing... to beat cancer and be normal again.


For him, this positive news is amazing for him and his family. For me, it means hope.


This week (Day 21) my brother shaved my head. Looking at me you probably wouldn't have been able to tell how quickly my hair was falling out - I have thick hair, which has always served me well. But every time I touched my hair I'd be covered. It was in my shower, on my body, on my pillow, around the sink, everywhere. Seeing my hair everywhere was making me feel nauseous, which was probably a subconscious reaction to my body having physical evidence that I wasn't well. So little bro came to the rescue, as promised and got his razor out!


To see the 20 second time lapse video of 'operation head shave' here's the link:



I'm not going to say too much about the head shave situ. It's still weird and I'm still wearing hats around the house. Seeing myself in the mirror is odd and I'm still trying to touch my hair which is no longer there. I'll get used to it and at the end of the day I know the chemo is working and just doing it's job so I really shouldn't complain too much. But thanks little bro for helping me over this hurdle, you were (and are) amazing!!


Day 23 - 25 (Jan 31st - Feb 2nd) - Due to feeling run down from this cold and cough and intermittent side effects I decided to cancel all the plans I had made for the weekend. I cancelled a shopping trip with my best mate on the Friday, a night with good friends on the Saturday (gutted that I missed paella and the chance of a good catch up!!) and I cancelled going to watch rugby at Elland Road with my rugger mates (it still feels weird that I'm interested in a sport!! haha).


I spent the whole weekend alone in my house watching Netflix, reading, entertaining a new found liking of gaming, napping, taking the dog for walks and taking long, candle-lit baths. And do you know what? I freaking loved it. I feel relaxed, recharged and healthier - both mentally and physically.


Lesson for this week: It's okay to disconnect, it's okay to curl up into your shell and it's okay to cancel plans. Self-care is health care!!


Day 27 (Feb 4th) - Nothing very exciting happened over the last couple of days so I thought I'd spare you the boredom. Today was my pre-chemo blood test (which happens two days before the chemo is given) and medic assessment to just make sure my body is ready for the next load of 'cure juice' (a nickname my brother has given to my chemo) and to ensure my side-effects haven't been too unbearable and therefore safe for the next cycle. Everything went well and I was done in about an hour or so.


Day 29 (Feb 6th) - Chemo day and this is chemo session number 3 of 4. I'd heard nothing back from the hospital, which I presume just means everything is good to go. As per the last couple of times everything went pretty smoothly today and I was done is about 6/7 hours in the hospital. The bags were changed regularly and the flushes went through okay. I had three visitors today (as well as my mum who is always with me for my appointments, love her). A friend came about 10:30 and stayed through the day, it was so good to see her and we had lots of laughs. And I'm lucky enough to have two of my best mates work in the hospital (a perk of being a fellow nurse) so they came to visit on their lunch breaks. I'm super super lucky to have such great friends and I will be forever grateful for everyone's support. As per the last time the initial side effects kicked pretty quickly, which were the tingles in my fingers, hands and lips.


So three of the four meds were infused and just like the last couple of times I go home with the fourth that infuses over 24 hours via a pump.


Day 30 (Feb 7th) - Today I walk about with my pet pump on it's lead. I found an old bumbag, which not only hides the chemo pump well but keeps it out of the way. Plus you look like a 90's throwback, which is never a bad thing in my eyes.


Side effects are pretty much the same as usual with a little nausea this time, which is the first time I've felt sick throughout the whole chemo treatment.


This time round the pump didn't infuse over 24 hours like it should have. I weighed the pump and it was about half way done at hour 20. So I called the hospital to get an idea of what to do. Some hospital Trust policies say to remove the pump at 24 hours no matter how much of the medication has infused, other Trusts say to leave the pump to infuse fully. The issue with leaving the meds to fully infuse over the 24 hour period is this can make your side effects worse.


I ended up driving back to the hospital so they could check the line and see if it needed flushing. Their policy is to remove the pump at the 24 hour mark no matter how much of the medication has infused, however as I am young and healthy they left it to patient choice and gave me the option to leave it on... I chose to leave it on and face the possibility of worse side effects. Like I've always said I'm in this for the long run and want to zap this cancer as best I can before surgery. So what is a week of feeling crap at the end of the day?! So hit me with your tired days, your nausea, your diarrhoea, your tingly hands and face, let me lose the rest of my hair. I'm ready for you!!


Day 31 (Feb 8th) - There's not a great deal to say to be honest about today's side effects. The tingles continued but are now slightly more painful than with the other chemo infusions. I've been tired and dozed on the sofa a bit and the nausea has peaked now and again but the anti-nausea meds seem to be doing their job quite well on the whole.


A friend came to visit, which was lush. We haven't seen each other since November, where four of us hired a log cabin and spent most of the time walking through woods, drinking wine, eating cheese and bread and hanging out in a hot tub!! Good times. So we chatted, caught up on gossip, drank tea and ate flapjack!


Day 32 - 34 (Feb 9th - 11th) - February 9th marks one month since I started my chemo.


These last few days have been pretty rough with side effects. Nausea has kicked in well and truly and I'm using the optional meds that I have been given to the fullest. I have minimal taste when eating and a slight metallic taste throughout the day. The hand tingles continue and are worse when I'm cold. I dread getting anything out the fridge or picking up a glass because although I can't class the tingles as painful it's just very uncomfortable... I walk around the house with a hoodie, hat and I've just ordered some finger-less gloves. The muscle spasms seem to be worse this time and I often wake with cramp through the night.


I feel like I'm moaning but I want to give a true representation of how it feels to be on chemo so people can prepare themselves for the ups and downs. Sometimes it's not all "bring it on, I'm ready for you", sometimes it's "I feel like sh*t and just need to curl up".


All that being said, the side effects do seem to be lifting today.


Day 35 (Feb 12th) - Well it's safe to say that I'm not feeling so sorry for myself today! PHEW!! I'm generally a really upbeat kinda guy so I hate it when I feel so rough and down. But I think it's really important to own your crap days just as much as the good days. They all form part of your journey and you have to ride the bad as well as the good!!


I'm not gonna lie I'm still experiencing side effects but they're SO much better today. I still have the tingles and still have the feeling of nausea but I'm using my meds as best I can and they seem to be working.


Today I got up earlier than other days (09:00) and ate breakfast with my family. I have taken the dog for a walk - three times around the park and this is the first time I've managed to get out the house since the weekend. I have been to the cinema. I have bought myself some aftershave. I have done myself a face mask. Such a better day than yesterday!


In other news, today I have signed up to be part of a patient focus group at my local hospital for people diagnosed with cancer. Here people will talk about personalised care and patient experience to help influence the future of cancer care. I've also signed up for a Yoga class at the local Maggie's Centre. After being a regular yogi and attending a few yoga retreats in the past it's been months since I attended a class... Time to get bendy!




Day 36 - 40 (February 13th - February 17th) - It feels like forever since I updated the old diary so big apologies.


It's safe to say that the side effects this time round lasted longer and were more intense than the last time I had chemo, but this was expected. The side effects consisted of the tingles and an odd sensation with drinking cold drinks, muscle spasms in my hands, tiredness, nausea, diarrhoea and more hair loss (although my head hair seems to have stopped falling out but I'm definitely losing my beard. Body hair, including eye lashes and eyebrows seem to be hanging in there!!).


When written down this all sounds horrendous but they seem to come in stages, which is great as you're not experiencing them all at once. Don't get me wrong they're not pleasant... but they're not horrendous. My best advice would be to use all your medication given to you as they really work in counteracting the most part of the side effects. This is coming from someone who hates taking meds (weird for a nurse, I know!) and would rather battle a headache than take a couple paracetamols... but seriously take the meds, they will turn a difficult week into a manageable week.


As my beard was falling out and starting to look a scruffy I decided to go for the shave. So with my bald head and beardless face I now resemble a grape!! But in my opinion, a shaved head and face looks better than patchy, scruffy hair. So I'm happily rocking the grape!!


Top tip: Take your meds! I've said it before but I'm saying it again!!


Day 41 (February 18th) - Today was blood test day and a chat with the medic. As usual all went fine and the doc said she was happy to prescribe my next lot of chemo for the 20th providing my bloods come back okay. I asked about my previous blood results throughout the chemo process and she said they'd remained pretty good throughout so that was reassuring to hear. She also prescribed me some antibiotics as I've started with a urinary tract infection. It's a bit weird talking about this to every man and his dog but I think people need to be aware that this is pretty common for people on chemo so is definitely worth talking about and something to look out for.


When speaking to the doctor she kept looking at my hands and said "I see you've started with a slight redness to your palms. This is common for people who are on chemo, how long have you had this?" I then had to explain that it wasn't a side effect of the chemo and was actually just fake tan that I hadn't washed off properly!!! Hahaha. I've realised that grape-head looks better with a bit of colour!


Today's lesson: Wash your hands properly after applying fake tan! :-D


Day 55 (March 3rd) - Okay, okay so it's been a while. I apologise, but it's been a rough week or so. Thanks for the nudges peeps! We're gonna do a bit of Dr Who and jump around in time... sorry if it gets confusing!


So I had my chemo on February 20th (day 43).... my last pre-surgery chemo!!! I'm currently doing a mini chair dance at how exciting this actually is. I say pre-surgery chemo as there may well be some after my surgery that will be a 'clean up' chemo. Normally, when I get to the hospital it's all pretty straight forward and they just hook me up to the drips and of we go but this time I was told that my bloods (that they took two days ago) were out of range so they needed to redo them. So I had some blood taken (super easy when you have a PICC line in) and was asked to wait an hour for the results to come back.


After about 90 minutes I was told that they were still out (and actually worse than Tuesday) but they were going to continue with the chemo anyway. Big relief as I didn't want to delay my treatment and I'd also mentally prepped for the chemo and side effects. So I got hooked up and off we went. I feel like one of those dairy cows that trots into the milking station, gets hooked up to the sucky-milker things, does my time and then trots off again!! (I'm currently singing Kelis' Milkshake in my head!)


Anyway, I'm busy doing my crocheting (yup, I knit and crochet!! Perfect way to relax and pass the time when getting milked!) and I look up and my mate is stood there!! She's flown all the way from Cornwall to see me for my last chemo sesh... Shocked and stunned and emotional and forgetting I'm in a bay with four other patients also getting milked I drop the F bomb and burst into tears. We hug, both bawling. It's a mixture of happiness and excitement but also the reality of meeting mates in a hospital and not in the pub. This can hit you hard. Best chemo/milking sesh to date! :-)


The days following the chemo were pretty rough. Side effects hit hard and left me housebound for about 5 days. Nausea was the worst but there was also painful tingles in my hands and face, tiredness, daily diarrhoea, daily nose bleeds, a metallic taste in my mouth, dry skin and thrush. That's right people... this is the reality that is chemo!! Thankfully, the thrush has gone now and the meds you're given takes the worst of some of the other side effects away but not all. So you could say I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.


As my last chemo was now finished it was time for the PICC line to be removed so on February 26th (Day 49) I went back into hospital and got it removed. I'd love to say that it was a pretty painless and uneventful procedure but I'd be lying... I completely over-thought the situation, got into my own head and ended up nearly fainting haha. I was so embarrassed. I mean I love a gory situation in the workplace, give me blood and guts or a manky wound to redress and I'm happy... but when it's myself in the patient chair it's a different kettle of fish!! So whilst my vision was narrowing and my face became white as a sheet with beads of sweat happily dancing down my brow and back I was being handed cold cups of water and told not to stand up. Thankfully, I didn't faint. I mean when all your concentration is taken up on trying not to sh*t your pants the last thing you want to do is faint and lose control of all bodily functions!!


So PICC line is out and I managed to retain most of my dignity. The next exciting thing is to be able to have a normal shower. This is basically just a shower but without having to strategically position yourself whilst washing with a plastic PICC line cover on your arm. Trust me, this first shower was a pretty big deal.


As well as being able to shower properly, having no PICC line also means I can now get back into my yoga practice. I'd signed up for a 6 week yoga class at a local Maggie's Centre which started on February 28th (Day 51), which was lovely. Nice, chilled, easy yoga sesh with a good mixture of simple stretches, balance and restorative yoga poses. And apart from an old lady falling asleep at the end during the relaxation section and then shrieking when the yoga instructor touched her on her shoulders it was pretty chilled!!


The next couple of days over the weekend consisted of meeting up with friends - watching my rugby lads play in York and then meeting a couple of gorgeous mates for a 7.5 mile walk around a couple of reservoirs. As well as being able to catch up with everyone it was just good to be out the house.


Day 54 (March 2nd) - Today marked two significant events... 1. My post-chemo CT scan to see if the chemotherapy had done it's job and 2. I had my first fully-formed poo for over a week!! Hahaha. Yes, probably not something everyone wants to hear but as a nurse bowel movements are a big deal... And as I've already mentioned the bowel situ it's kind of with us for the ride now!! The CT scan was quick and I was in and out in less than an hour. I just need to wait for the results now, which will come tomorrow.


Day 55 (March 3rd) - Today I get my test results back from the CT. This will tell me whether the chemo had done it's job or not. I went back to the hospital with my wonderful mum and of course, I was nervous as this meeting was a huge deal but I was also a little confident that the chemo had worked because as we know my eating went back to normal quite quickly after they started the chemo. However, despite the confidence the news that I received was bitter sweet. The good part was hearing that the chemo had worked and my tumour had shrunk. The bad part was that the CT had shown that I had an enlarged lymph node on my stomach and they were unsure whether this was cancerous or not. In the meeting the doctor tells me I need another PET scan to determine whether the node is cancerous or not and whether it has spread. This a*sehole of a node could stop my surgery from going ahead so as you could imagine the news was difficult to process. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and it seemed like I'd stepped back 3/4 months to when this whole process started. Knowing that I needed to get my head around this info I went back to my parents' house where I'd been staying, packed a bag and went home with the dog. I knew that in order to fully soak up the results of the CT scan and process this info I needed to know exactly what I might be up against should the worst come to the worst so I googled the life expectancy of someone living with Stage 4 (incurable) oesophageal cancer. The results were not pretty. The rest of that night was a blur.


Day 56 (March 4th) - Surprisingly, I actually slept really well last night and today I felt better than the previous day. It's true, a good night's sleep can do you good. I spent most of today cleaning my house, I even hoovered my kitchen cupboards!! It's amazing what crappy news can do for your motivation!! And with a cleaner house and a clearer head I went for my PET scan. It was pretty much the same experience as the last one so I won't go through the boring details. The only thing of note was that after my scan I forgot the lock the door to the changing room and the cleaner walked in as I was midway getting dressed haha. She got an eyeful, but hey!


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